Hi Reader

You're at a social thing, someone new asks the inevitable question "so what do you do?" and without thinking you say "I'm a teacher" or "I work in sales" or from experience, if you want to stop the conversation dead, just say "I'm a financial adviser".

Then you catch yourself, "well, I was, I'm retired now" and there's this awkward little moment where you both pretend that didn't just happen.

Or maybe you don't catch yourself at all, maybe you just let it slide because saying "I'm retired" feels like saying "I'm nothing now" and you can't quite bring yourself to do it yet.

Either way, it keeps happening, months or even years after you've left, you're still defaulting to the old identity like muscle memory, and you're starting to wonder if you'll ever stop doing it.

THIS WEEKS SUBJECT IS...

WHAT I'VE NOTICED

I was at a thing last month... one of those gatherings where everyone's making polite conversation and pretending they remember each other's names, and I watched this play out about five times in an hour.

Bloke in his late sixties, retired for at least two years based on what I overheard earlier, gets asked what he does and immediately says "I'm an architect" then does this weird backpedaling thing, "well I was, retired now obviously, but yes, architect, that was me for thirty-five years."

Later in the evening, different conversation, same bloke, someone asks what he does and he does it again, "I'm an architect" like it's still present tense, like he's still going into the office on Monday.

And I get it, I see this constantly, people who've been retired for a year, two years, sometimes longer, still introducing themselves by their old job title, still defaulting to that identity when someone asks who they are.

A woman I spoke with recently, retired teacher, left three years ago, said: "I caught myself doing it again last week, someone asked what I do and I said 'I'm a teacher' without even thinking, it just came out automatically, and then I had to correct myself and I felt like such an idiot."

Another bloke, former engineer: "I know I'm not an engineer anymore, I know that, but when someone asks me what I do that's still the first thing that comes to mind, it's like my brain hasn't updated the file or something."

And here's what I find interesting, these aren't people who particularly loved their jobs, they're not sitting around wishing they could go back, they're generally quite happy to be retired, but they're still reaching for that old identity like it's the only answer they've got.

Because in a way, it is.

WHAT I THINK IS REALLY GOING ON

Right so here's what I reckon is happening.

For decades... literally decades, when someone asked "what do you do?" you had a clean, simple, socially acceptable answer that everyone understood, you were a nurse, an accountant, a manager, a builder, whatever, that answer told people something about who you were, it gave them a category to put you in, a way to understand you.

And more importantly, it gave you a way to understand yourself, your job title wasn't just what you did from nine to five, it was a massive part of your identity, how you saw yourself, how other people saw you, proof that you were useful and skilled and had a place in the world.

Then you retire and suddenly that answer doesn't work anymore, you can't say "I'm a teacher" when you're not teaching, you can't say "I'm an engineer" when you're not engineering, technically you're supposed to say "I'm retired" but that feels like saying "I used to be something and now I'm not."

So you keep defaulting to the old answer because it still feels true in a way that "I'm retired" doesn't, it still feels like the most accurate description of who you are even though it's not technically accurate anymore.

And our culture makes this worse because we don't have good language for this transition, we don't have a way to talk about who you are when you're not what you do anymore, "retired" isn't really an identity is it, it's just a statement that you've stopped doing the thing that used to be your identity.

It's like being asked "who are you?" and answering "well I'm not that anymore" - technically true but completely unsatisfying.

I think what's actually happening when you keep introducing yourself by your old job is that you're not ready to let go of that identity yet, even if you're glad to be done with the actual work, because you haven't built a new identity to replace it with and you're terrified that without it you're just... nobody.

And that's not dramatic, that's just honest, your job gave you a clear answer to "who am I?" and now that's gone and you're supposed to come up with a new answer but nobody's told you what that answer should be or how long you're allowed to take figuring it out.

So you keep reaching for the old answer because it's the only one that feels solid, the only one that makes you feel like a person with a purpose rather than just someone who's killing time until they die, which I know sounds bleak but that's genuinely how it feels for some people in those first few years.

The people I see who eventually stop doing this, who stop introducing themselves by what they used to do, aren't the ones who found some impressive new identity to replace the old one, they're the ones who slowly got comfortable with not having a tidy answer anymore.

They start saying things like "I'm retired but I'm getting into photography" or "I used to be a nurse, these days I'm mostly annoying my grandkids and volunteering at the food bank" - it's messier, less defined, but it's honest, it's who they actually are now rather than who they used to be.

But that takes time, proper time, because you're not just learning a new way to introduce yourself, you're learning to be okay with not being easily categorisable anymore, not having a role that defines you, not being someone whose worth is immediately obvious to strangers at parties.

And that's harder than it sounds.

A QUESTION(S) TO SIT WITH

Here's what I want you to think about this week:

Not what you think you should say, not the socially acceptable version, just honestly... if someone asked "who are you?" and you weren't allowed to say your old job title, what would you say?

Maybe you'd talk about what you're actually doing with your time now, maybe you'd mention your family or your interests, maybe you'd say "I'm still figuring that out" which is a completely legitimate answer actually.

The point isn't to come up with the perfect new identity, the point is to notice how much you're still clinging to the old one, and whether you're ready to start building something new or whether you need to grieve the old identity a bit more first before you can let it go.

Because here's the thing, you can't build a new sense of self while you're still white-knuckling the old one, at some point you have to let yourself be in the weird in-between space where you're not sure who you are anymore, and that's uncomfortable but it's also kind of necessary.

So notice when you reach for the old job title, don't beat yourself up about it, just notice it and ask yourself... am I doing this because it's still true, or am I doing this because I don't know what else to say yet?

Both answers are okay, you're allowed to still be working it out.

P.S. - If you've found a new way to introduce yourself that feels honest and not awkward, I'd genuinely love to hear it, hit reply and let me know, sometimes the best answers come from hearing what's actually working for real people.