Hi Reader

When one of you retires and the other doesn’t (and why it’s harder than anyone admits)

Had a meeting this week with a couple I’ll call James and Emma.

James is 64, planning to retire first quarter of next year, done with work, ready to finish, counting down the days.

Emma is 59, just started her dream job in West London last September, absolutely loves it, thriving, has zero intention of retiring anytime soon.

So James will retire whilst Emma keeps working, probably for another 2-3 years, maybe longer if she’s still enjoying it, and we’re sitting there discussing the financial side and I can see them both starting to realise something.

The tricky bit isn’t the money.

It’s what the hell James does all day whilst Emma’s at work, how they handle one person having complete freedom whilst the other is still tied to a schedule, who decides what they spend on when one’s earning and one isn’t, what happens to their entire relationship dynamic when one of them is essentially living a completely different life.

And this is becoming incredibly common, one person retiring whilst the other keeps working, and nobody really talks about how weird and complicated it actually is.

What’s actually happening here

The traditional retirement model was beautifully simple, you both worked until 60 or 65, you both retired at roughly the same time, you bought a caravan or whatever people did in 1987, off you went together.

But that model is dead, it doesn’t fit anyone anymore.

Age gaps mean different retirement ages, career trajectories mean different timings, pension rules mean different optimal dates, and increasingly people are finding work they actually enjoy later in life and definitely not giving it up just because their partner’s ready to stop.

Emma literally just found her dream job at 59, she’s thriving, she’s happy, why on earth would she retire just because James is ready to finish?

And James has done his time, he’s 64, he’s absolutely done, he wants to use his healthy years for things that aren’t sitting in meetings, why should he wait just because Emma’s found something she loves?

So they’re doing the sensible thing, the increasingly common thing, phased retirement, one person stops whilst the other continues, everyone’s happy right?

Except nobody prepares you for how absolutely strange that is in practice.

The bits that get really weird really quickly

First there’s the practical stuff that sounds minor but will definitely cause arguments.

James is home all day, Emma’s at work, so who does the shopping, the errands, the endless admin that someone needs to do? Does it automatically become James’s job because he’s got “all this time” now, even though he’s supposed to be retired not promoted to household operations manager?

And what about evenings and weekends, Emma’s been at work all day, she wants to collapse on the sofa, James has been home all day possibly going slightly mad with boredom, he wants to do things, go places, talk to an actual human, who wins that negotiation?

I’ve seen this play out, the retired person starts treating the working person like they’re the only connection to the outside world, “how was your day” becomes an interrogation because it’s the only interesting thing that happened, the working person starts dreading coming home because they’re immediately required to be entertaining.

Then there’s the money psychology which gets properly weird.

Emma’s still earning, James isn’t, even though they’re drawing from joint pensions and investments, there’s this bizarre dynamic where one person is contributing income and the other isn’t, and that creates guilt or resentment or just awkwardness around every spending decision.

James mentioned wanting to play nicer golf courses, take trips, use the healthy years well, completely reasonable, but does he feel entitled to spend money on that when Emma’s still working? Does Emma feel like she should have more say in spending decisions because she’s still earning even though technically it’s all joint money?

These aren’t logical questions, they’re emotional ones, and they matter way more than the spreadsheet does.

I had a client once where the retired husband booked a golf trip without asking and the still-working wife completely lost it, not because they couldn’t afford it but because “I’m still at work and you’re just off playing golf,” the unfairness of it became this massive thing even though the numbers were fine.

Then there’s the identity piece, and this is the one that really does people’s heads in.

James asked me something during our meeting: “When I’m not at work, who am I?”

And that’s hard enough to answer when you’re both navigating it together, figuring it out side by side, but when your partner is still at work, still has that clear identity and purpose and structure, still gets to be Someone Who Does Something, and you’re the one sitting at home trying to figure out who you are now, that feels absolutely horrible.

Emma has her dream job, she’s got purpose and colleagues and somewhere to be and something that defines part of who she is, James is about to lose all of that whilst watching her keep it, and that’s not going to feel great is it.

You’re basically becoming different species for a while, one of you is Working Person and one of you is Retired Person, and those are fundamentally different ways of existing, and you’re supposed to still function as a couple whilst living in completely different realities.

And the reverse is true too, when Emma eventually retires in 2-3 years James will have already figured out his retirement rhythm, he’ll have his routines and activities and ways of filling his days, his golf schedule and his mates and his whole thing sorted, and Emma will be starting from scratch trying to work it out, potentially feeling like she’s joining something James has already built without her.

Like turning up to a party two hours late when everyone’s already got their groups and their conversations and you’re just standing there going “so what are we doing then.”

What actually helps

And here’s what I’ve noticed working with couples in this situation, the ones who don’t end up wanting to murder each other do a few specific things.

They talk about it properly before it happens, not just “you’ll retire, I’ll keep working, it’ll be fine” but actual expectations, what does James think his days will look like, what does Emma expect from him being home, what are they worried about, get it on the table before the dynamic shifts not six months in when they’re already miserable.

They create structure for the transition period, James isn’t just suddenly retired with nothing to do whilst Emma works, they plan specific things, trips he’ll take, projects he’ll start, golf he’ll play, something with actual purpose not just “I suppose I’ll see what happens,” because what happens is you go slightly mad with boredom and become annoying.

They protect shared time, evenings and weekends stay sacred as couple time, they don’t let James’s retirement bleed into Emma’s non-work time, she doesn’t come home to a list of things James wants to do just because he’s been home all day with nobody to talk to.

They’re explicit about money psychology, they acknowledge that one earning and one not might feel weird even though it’s all joint money anyway, they agree on how they’ll handle spending decisions, they don’t let resentment build up unspoken until someone books a golf trip and it turns into World War Three.

And they accept that it’s temporary and probably a bit rubbish, Emma will eventually retire too, this isn’t forever, it’s a transition period they’re navigating together, and giving it an endpoint helps both of them tolerate the weirdness of it.

The question

If you’re in this situation, or about to be, have you actually talked about what it’s going to be like?

Not just the financial logistics but the actual reality of it, how will your days work, how will you handle one of you being at work whilst the other is at home, what are you each actually worried about beyond the money, what do you need from each other to make it not completely horrible?

Because I see couples stumble into phased retirement thinking it’s just a financial planning exercise, work out the income, sorted, and then six months in one person feels guilty about not working and the other feels resentful about still working and they’re having weird territorial arguments about who does the food shop, and nobody’s actually said any of this out loud because it sounds petty.

But it’s not petty, it’s your entire daily reality, and ignoring it doesn’t make it go away, it just makes it fester until you’re having a massive argument about something completely stupid that’s actually about the underlying weirdness you never discussed.

The financial bit is the easy part, we can model the income, structure the withdrawals, make the numbers work, that’s just maths.

The hard part is navigating the psychological and relationship complexity of being in completely different life phases whilst trying to maintain a partnership, and that requires actual conversation not just hoping it’ll sort itself out.

So if one of you is retiring whilst the other isn’t, talk about it, properly, before it happens, because the tensions that emerge aren’t about money, they’re about identity and purpose and daily rhythm and who does the bloody shopping, and those conversations are harder but way more important than the financial planning.

P.S. - If you’re navigating phased retirement, or you’ve already been through it, hit reply and tell me how it actually went, I’m curious whether the reality matched what you expected, and what the things are that nobody warns you about but absolutely should.