Hi Reader

You're at a party or a pub or just chatting with someone, and the conversation turns to retirement - someone mentions that Dave from the old office has moved to Portugal, or your neighbour's taken up beekeeping, or Janet's gone back to work part-time at the garden centre.

And you find yourself weirdly... interested, more interested than you probably should be about what Dave or Janet or your neighbour is up to, asking follow-up questions, having opinions about their choices, maybe even feeling a bit judgmental about the whole thing.

"Portugal seems a bit drastic, doesn't it?" or "Why would she go back to work? I thought the whole point was to stop?" or "Beekeeping, though, really?"

And if you catch yourself doing this, you might feel a bit embarrassed about it, like why do I care so much what other people are doing with their retirement? It's none of my business, is it?

Except here's the thing - you're not really obsessed with their retirement, you're obsessed with your own, and watching what everyone else is doing is actually you trying to figure out what the hell you're supposed to be doing.

THIS WEEKS SUBJECT IS...

WHAT I'VE NOTICED

I've noticed this pattern loads over the last year or so, people who've recently retired become absolutely fascinated with how other people are handling it.

A bloke I know - retired about eight months ago - has started keeping track of what all his former colleagues are doing in retirement, not in a creepy way, just... aware, he knows who's traveling, who's consulting, who's taken up golf, who's already bored out of their minds, and he'll bring it up in conversation unprompted.

"Did you hear about Martin? Gone and started a business making furniture, at sixty-three, can you believe it?"

And I'm thinking, why does this matter to you, but I already know why, he's not judging Martin really, he's trying to figure out if starting a business is a normal thing to do in retirement or if Martin's having some kind of crisis, because if it's normal then maybe he should be doing something like that too, and if it's a crisis then he can feel better about not doing anything that dramatic.

A woman I spoke with recently said something similar: "I can't stop asking people how they're finding retirement, like I'm conducting research or something, and then I'm analysing their answers, trying to work out if they're actually happy or just saying they are, it's exhausting."

Another person told me: "I've become weirdly competitive about retirement, if someone tells me they're learning Italian, I immediately think 'well I should be learning something too' even though I have absolutely no interest in learning Italian or anything else really, but I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something impressive."

And here's what's interesting - this obsession with other people's retirement choices tends to be strongest in the first year or two after you've left work, it peaks when you're most uncertain about your own identity and what you're supposed to be doing, and it gradually fades as you settle into whatever your version of retirement actually is.

Which tells you something, doesn't it.

WHAT I THINK IS REALLY GOING ON

Right, so here's what I reckon is actually happening.

When you retire, you lose the main reference point you've had for decades about what a "successful" life looks like, at work there were clear markers - promotions, salary increases, projects delivered, respect from colleagues - you knew whether you were doing well or not because the feedback was constant and obvious.

Then you retire and suddenly... There are no markers, no way to measure whether you're doing retirement "right" or "wrong," no annual review, no promotion structure, no salary to compare, just you and a load of empty time and absolutely no idea if you're making good use of it.

So you start looking around at other people, trying to figure out what normal looks like, what successful retirement looks like, whether you're ahead or behind or completely off track, because you need some kind of external reference point to replace the one you lost when you left work.

And our culture doesn't help because there's no agreed definition of what good retirement looks like is there, some people say it's about travel and adventure, some people say it's about rest and relaxation, some people say it's about giving back through volunteering, some people say it's about finally pursuing your passions, there's no consensus, which means you're left trying to piece together what you're supposed to be doing by watching what everyone else is doing.

But here's the problem - everyone else is just as confused as you are, they're also trying to figure it out, they're also performing a version of retirement they think they're supposed to be doing while quietly wondering if they're getting it right.

So when you hear about Dave moving to Portugal you're not really thinking about Dave, you're thinking "should I be doing something that bold?" and when you hear about Janet going back to work part-time you're thinking "is that admitting defeat or is that actually quite sensible?" and when you hear about the beekeeping you're thinking "am I supposed to have a quirky new hobby by now?"

It's basically the same comparison you did at work - am I doing as well as my peers, am I keeping up, am I ahead or behind - except now there's no clear way to measure it, so you're just sort of... guessing, based on what everyone else seems to be doing.

And the judgy bit, the bit where you catch yourself having opinions about other people's choices, that's usually you trying to justify your own choices isn't it, if you can convince yourself that Dave's move to Portugal is a bit over the top then you don't have to feel bad about not doing anything that adventurous yourself, if you can decide that Janet going back to work means she didn't plan properly then you can feel better about not going back yourself.

The people I see who eventually stop being obsessed with everyone else's retirement are the ones who've landed on something that feels right for them, not impressive necessarily, not what the retirement brochures suggest, just... right, enough, theirs.

And once you've got that - once you've stopped trying to figure out what you're supposed to be doing and started just doing what actually works for you - other people's choices stop being threatening or fascinating, they just become... other people's choices, interesting maybe but not loaded with all this meaning about whether you're doing it right or wrong.

But getting there takes time, and in the meantime, you're going to be weirdly invested in what Dave and Janet and everyone else are up to, and that's fine, actually, that's just part of trying to build a new identity when you don't have a template to work from.

A QUESTION(S) TO SIT WITH

Here's what I want you to think about this week:

When you hear about someone else's retirement - what they're doing, how they're spending their time, whether they seem happy or struggling - what's your first reaction?

Not the polite thing you say out loud, the actual thought that goes through your head, is it:

• Relief that they seem to be struggling too
• Anxiety that they've got it more sorted than you
• Judgment about their choices
• Curiosity about whether you should be doing something similar
• Envy that they seem more settled

And here's the follow-up - what does that reaction tell you about your own retirement?

Because the things that bother you or fascinate you about other people's choices are usually pointing to something unresolved in your own situation, if you're judging someone for going back to work part-time maybe you're worried you should be earning again, if you're fascinated by someone's bold move abroad maybe you're wondering if you're playing it too safe, if you're relieved when someone admits they're bored maybe you're looking for permission to admit the same thing.

Your reaction to other people's retirement is actually a map of your own anxieties and uncertainties about identity and purpose, and whether you're doing this whole thing right.

So notice what comes up, notice who you're comparing yourself to and why, because once you can see the pattern, you can start asking yourself - am I actually interested in what they're doing, or am I just using them as a mirror to figure out what I should be doing?

And maybe, just maybe, you can start worrying a bit less about everyone else and focus on building a version of retirement that actually works for you, even if it doesn't look like anyone else's.

P.S. - If you've caught yourself being weirdly invested in someone else's retirement choices lately, hit reply and tell me about it. I promise I won't judge, I'm genuinely curious what we're all comparing ourselves to.